I've been trying to think of ways to make is possible to have a child without the inconveniences of having a child.

Adoption?  Maybe.  Real late.. like when they're almost about to turn 18.

What I really want is a clone.  Isn't that what parents really want?  Then their little genetic experiments grow up to have their own personalities and ideas of what is cool.  And they're shocked.. they're *shocked* that this.. thing that they cared for for so long and wiped its nose and its ass.. the parents are shocked that this thing enjoys listening to Screamo music cranked up to 11. 

If you don't know what Screamo is then here is something that should scare you:

THIS is my new favorite rapper

I think this kid might have some kind of mental issue, but I don't care, he's my new favorite rapper: 



He was featured on Tosh.0 and I think that interview speaks for itself:



Daniel Tosh really comes across as an asshole. 

Why does your brain only work right when you're trying to sleep??

Last night I went and saw Fright Night at the Enzian Theater in Winter Park.  I went with some friends I randomly met through a Facebook humor group (yes, my humor is so obscure, I have to comb the world over to find friends).  "Ruby" and I were chatting about recognizing actors from old 80's horror movies in weird places and I told her about this old punk song that I finally watched the video for and recognized an 80's horror actress right away, even though it had been years since I'd seen her movies. 

Then Ruby handed me this flyer for some horror movie event and asked me if I was going to go.  I looked at the flyer.  A bunch of celebrity guests were going to be at this horror convention... and there she was!
 

How often does one obscure actor come up in conversation?  Ok granted, we were on the topic of horror films, but wow. 

My friend had no idea what I was talking about when I said there she is, that's the horror movie lady/ punk music video lady.. and because my brain failed me at this point, I couldn't remember the name of the band or the song.  Only when I got home and tried to sleep did it suddenly pop into my mind.  It was Suicidal Tendencies' "Institutionalized":



^^^ Look! That's her right in the preview. 

I couldn't remember if I had fed the cat. I looked around for some evidence.. were there any cat food pellets on the floor? I couldn't see any. The cat was meowing, but she always meows, even if she has been fed. She's a fat cat. I have to limit her food.

The clock says it is 12:30 am. How had so much time passed? I have an exam at 8:00 am and I am not prepared. Several hours have passed and I can't remember what I've been doing, probably surfing the internet. I have to log on to the internet to study for the class. It's an online class.

Why can't I remember a simple thing like whether I had already fed the cat? I remember.. I fed her at ten, I remember some of the pellets spilled out of the bowl when she crowed around the serving spoon I use to measure her food. Wait.. was that yesterday or today? I start crying again. I can't even feed the cat. Earlier tonight, I had trouble counting money to pay for my Chinese food. I eventually got it. I am minoring in math and I can't count change. I start crying again.

I eat some of the leftover Chinese food that was my dinner. I go back to my room to study. When I get there, I remember I had originally gone to the kitchen for a Diet Coke. I go back to the kitchen, get a Diet Coke and go back to the desk in the bedroom to study.

I see House Season 6 on my computer desktop. I click episode 1, "Broken". House is in a mental hospital. I can't turn it off, even though I should be studying. If I don't fix what is wrong with me, I am afraid a mental hospital is where I will end up.

Poopin' In Public

This happened when I was kind of young.. when I was 19. I invited my 11 year old sister over to my apartment for a visit, and I took her rollerblading. It was nighttime, and there was a shopping plaza nearby that had some cool lights, palm trees and sidewalks that made it semi-interesting to skate at at night. I felt fine; there was no indication of the trouble to come. The shopping center was pretty close to my house, only a few blocks away so we skated to the plaza. While skating around the sidewalks, I felt my stomach rumble and new I had to make a really messy poop.

I skated up to the front door of the Walgreens at the end of the plaza, and pulled on it. It was locked! I had to go so bad, I was clenching my buttcheeks as hard as I could, but I could tell I was going to shit my damn pants if I didn't relieve myself soon.

I banged on the door. There was a really unempathetic teenage girl inside who said "We're closed." She just shrugged when I yelled through the galls door that I had to go to the bathroom REALLY BAD. She went back to reading some magazine, probably Pop Star or some junk. I hobbled on my skates to the back of the store while my sister tagged behind me and whined "What are you doing?"

This Walgreens was unconnected to the rest of the plaza, but it faced out from the side of the plaza and there was about 20 yards in.. wait.. this NEEDS a DIAGRAM.





Ok so, I went to the back of the Walgreens and I dropped trou right there. It was in an alley, sort of, but there was a fancy restaurant RIGHT NEXT TO US where people were eating fancy food, and hopefully not watching me poop. The window was all frosted over, and using my brilliant brain, I deduced that the people would not be able to see me with the lights on inside if it was dark where I was pooping. Hopefully.

The poop was oozy, squirty, and smelled like no human shit has ever smelled. I mean it smelled like death had crawled up my ass and died. Toad was gagging, but I made her huddle down so we would not get seen.

Anyway, with the last wetturd hanging on for dear life to my butt, a fucking COP emerged on the back side of the building. He HAD HIS LIGHT RIGHT ON US! We were on the other side of the fence, and any movement through the slats would be seen. I hissed at Toad to hunker down and STAY STILL. All I needed was the first arrest of my miserable life to be while I was babysitting my kid sister and of all things, for shitting in public. I'm certain I would not get any leniency for choosing to shit over the drain so it would wash away with the rain more quickly. And yes, I did shit while wearing rollerskates.

Because of the limited space in the tiny little alley, Toad was like, max, four feet away from my ass, with the slow, acrid, vomit-inducing smell wafting up our noses. I could hear her gagging in the dark. I felt so bad for her, I apologized over and over. She laughed and said she'd tell everyone about this. I made her promise not to, I was almost in tears at the thought.

After a couple of minutes the cop passed. I shook off the wetturd and desperately looked around for something to wipe with. I rememebred shitting in the woods as a kid, and how we used our socks. Mom always complained about our socks disappearing. No fucking way was I taking off the skates. In the dark I wasn't even 100% certain that I had not rolled in shit.

I took off my panties. I wasn't fat back then, so it was somewhat of a task to take them off while wearing skates, but I did it and wiped as neatly as I could. The bags of trash (which were awful-smelling on their own) were tied up and they were made of that thick, impenetrable plastic. I looked around for somewhere to throw the panties away. At this point, I was mentally trying to make up a story that the pile of shit beneath me was dog shit, and mentally absolving myself of the horrific crime.

So I reasoned that I should not throw the panties carelessly, but throw them in a dumpster. But then panic hit me.

The cop would be back.

If he wasn't looking for us, then he was just doing a normal patrol and he would be back on the front side of the plaza. If he WAS looking for us on purpose (say, one of the diners COULD see us through the frosted glass, and in between bites of Filet Mignon, had noticed a grown woman shitting in the alley and called the police).. if he WAS looking for us, then he would STILL be back around the front side.

I looked at the gate, clawed at it in the dark. There had, HAD to be a fucking latch! I told Toad to climb up.. no wait, there was a latch, on the other side.

I desperately clawed on the wood and found the latch. I opened it and shoved Toad through. She was protesting, she had no idea what I was talking about, how did I know the cop would be back. As I closed the gate behind us, I caught a final whiff of the awfulness and saw it in the moonlight. It looked like a giant, oversized version of that cartoonish fake dogshit you get at the joke store, you know, with the perfect swirl? I slammed the gate. The cop was right there, slowly driving across again, this time on the other side. We had fucking MADE IT.

Get DOWN! I told Toad, and we hunkered down again. Only on the back side of the gate, there wasn't a second fence to hide behind. We were exposed to the backside of the plaza. Of course I wasn't paying any attention to that at all.. we were peering through the fence back at the cop with his 1000 candlewatt light shining back and forth over us. He did not see us AGAIN! After he passed, I felt like I had just won the lottery.

I turned around. The backside of the plaza had.. people? There were people walking back and forth.. and I was stunned.. we had just hidden from a cop and no one had said anything, they'd either not noticed or not cared. This side had more light, floodlights up above. I saw that the 3 people walking were workers from the restaurant and one lady from Walgreens... and they were carrying trash to a dumpster! Ta-DA! I skated over and threw away the poo-panties. And we went home.